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Mad Madness: Predictions Editions
Lots of predictions! But first a rant and a prediction that’s really a wish:
What Happens to Academics on Leave
You have a dream that you meet a friend and he’s headed for a conference with important people having important discussions and you say you’re not going but you will wander through the book fair, and then you are doing just that, and the book fair is infinite and gleaming like the Dubai airport in your recurring dream, but before you look at a single book you run into another friend, who tells you she’s just been talking to a certain important author who, unlike other authors you’ve written about, plays a definite role in your unconscious. She tells you that this author has had good things to say about a book about him that you’re supposed to be reviewing. (This part is true – you’re supposed to be reviewing this book, and you partly want to make this deadline and partly want to take some symbolic stand by not working on your leave and/or by being to enraptured with your baby to be able to.) But the part about him liking it rings false for all the obvious reasons. You ask your friend how it was she was talking to this certain important author, and she says, well, we were eating scrambled eggs. Of course they were. Then you hear some whimpering and it takes you a few minutes to realize it’s not coming from the book fair but from your actual baby in his crib at the foot of his bed, yanking you back into the world Inception-style. You go to get a glass of water and are momentarily thankful that the world does not miss you.
What I’ve Been Up To
― Kurt Vonnegut
Feeling Sentimental
Apparently we pregnant types are supposed to be sentimental. Every other blogpost on the pregnancy part of Babble is about crying at the cotton commercial or something. For better or worse, I seem to be the same cynic I’ve always been.
Poetry Corner: Transformations
Early in my pregnancy, when the changes were subtle and undetectable, I compared the experience to music playing in the background: something you would tune into or out of many times over the course of a day, without fully realizing it. At the same time, actual music was taking on more weight: instead of having the ipod on and being half tuned in while I read, it took all my attention to keep up. Along with music, poetry seemed more interesting than anything else I was reading: against all the books and columns and blogs of deadly literal advise and polemics, nothing seemed more appropriate than the metaphoric. Not surprisingly, Plath’s “Metaphors” has held on as a the ur-text through all eight syllables (and counting) so far.
Talking to Strangers
When I was a kid, I was afraid of talking to strangers, especially under certain circumstances. I was scared of picking up the phone to call someone, or of knocking on someone’s door to sell Girl Scout cookies or what have you. Even recently, working on political campaigns that involve phone banking or door knocking fills me with dread. When I was in college I tried to write for our school paper. I remember interviewing a professor of mine – not a stranger, but close enough – about a new policy on student-faculty dating. I remember sitting there trembling while he said something about how student-teacher relationships were inevitably erotic, but you couldn’t get such a subtle point across in an article, so please don’t include that. (Yes, he was an English prof.) I didn’t include it and the story went on the front page and soon after I switched to writing reviews.
Later she notes how much more willing to run from the situation she is than she was at sixteen, when she corresponded with a prisoner. But it would be too glib to say, ah yes, well, there’s talking to strangers and then there’s going to the houses of strangers when you’re a woman and when it’s the latter you know where the fear comes from, and that it may be a gift, like the self-help books say. What is being an artist or a creative person if not the fantasy that we will be something other than another person who doesn’t understand, and that the understanding may spare us? Ron may not deserve it, but we do.
More Gaitskill
When I was about eleven, I wrote a story for English class about a teenager who wanted to be a model. I found it a few years later and my budding feminist self was mortified: it seemed the sort of thing written by an eleven year old reading certain magazines, the worst possible topic for a young girl who understandably wants to write about the only thing young girls can write about, which is wanting.
Me, Elsewhere
I have a review of Vivian Gornick’s short biography of Emma Goldman up at the November issue of Open Letters Monthly.